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Getting On Better

Child roles: for separated parents

When parents separate, children can often feel like they're being put into different roles:

  • the spy
  • the messenger
  • the counsellor
  • the mediator

Asking your child about their other parent can make them feel like a spy. They might fear they are betraying them, or just say what they think you'll want to hear.

Asking children to pass messages back and forth puts them in an uncomfortable position. They may worry that whatever they do, it will upset one of their parents.

If you are seeking emotional support from your child, it can put them under pressure to make you feel better. It's not their job to give you support.

It can be extremely upsetting for children to see their parents arguing with each other. They may feel the need to try and solve the problem, which is too much responsibility for children.

What you can try instead

Try the below suggestions to help protect your child from feeling they have a role to play.

The spy

Stick to general questions about your child's other parent. If you find yourself asking more specific ones, like about their new partner, ask yourself why you really want to know, and how it might make your child feel.

The messenger

If it's not easy to talk to your partner, you could ask someone neutral to join a chat group between you both. They might help keep things calm and respectful.

The counsellor

If your child sees that you're upset, it's OK to tell them how you are feeling but let them know that you'll be OK, and that they don't need to worry.

The Mediator

Let your child know that the problems you and their other parent have are for adults to resolve. Reassure them that you both still love them, even though you're not together any more.

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