Getting On Better

The Getting On Better cards were developed by relationship experts OnePlusOne.

They are designed to try and help parents think about their relationships in a new way; to offer ideas on how to reduce tension and arguments, and to protect children from any negativity.

As well as the pages in this section, printable versions of the cards are available under the download section of this page. Parents can look through the cards and follow the suggestions either together or separately.

The typical stages of a relationship:

• romance
• reality
• power struggles
• finding yourselves
• acceptance
• mutual love and respect

What stage are you at? What could this mean for your relationship?

Watch the video that explains in more detail:

Changes and stages, OnePlusOne (vimeo.com) (opens new window) 

You can think of arguments like a fire:

• the logs - what issues do you argue about most?
• the match - what usually starts an argument?
• the fuel - what makes it worse? Are you fuelling the fire?
• the water - what helps calm things down?

Watch the video that explains in more detail:

Logs and fire, OnePlusOne (vimeo.com) (opens new window)

Common things people do in an argument:

• walk off
• give as good as I get
• get louder and throw things
• speak harshly
• use putdowns
• don't listen
• get sarcastic
• make the other person feel bad
• misread things

When you can recognise the common themes of an argument, you can change the outcome.

Watch the video that explains in more detail:

Conflict styles, OnePlusOne (vimeo.com) (opens new window)

Even the happiest couples have negative moments. We snap and criticise. We shout and blame. What would it take to balance these out?

What you can do to get on better

Relationship experts tell us that for every one negative moment, you need five positive moments.

Negative moments could be:

• criticising
• trying to win
• blaming
• name-calling
• sneering
• sarcasm
• shouting
• being defensive
• talking over each other

Positive moments could be:

• laughing together
• supporting each other
• showing interest
• listening
• being grateful
• thoughtful gifts
• hugs
• sharing
• chatting

Now start practising with the magic ratio - think about your relationship:

• what positive things could you do for each other?
• what can you do to show that you care?

The downward spiral:

• contempt or criticism
• poor communication
• stonewalling
• defensiveness
• lack of closeness
• refusal or avoidance

Arguments can be harmful or helpful, here's the difference:

Harmful arguments are when you or your partner:

• try to win
• say mean things
• name-call
• blame each other
• are negative

Helpful arguments are when you or your partner:

• work together
• consider each other's feelings
• are affectionate towards each other
• solve problems together

We all need to have difficult conversations sometimes. The way you start these conversations will affect the way they go.

Watch the video that explains in more detail:

You say I hear, OnePlusOne (vimeo.com) (opens new window)

When parents separate, children can often feel like they're being put into different roles:

• the spy
• the messenger
• the counsellor
• the mediator

Asking your child about their other parent can make them feel like a spy. They might fear they are betraying them, or just say what they think you'll want to hear.

Asking children to pass messages back and forth puts them in an uncomfortable position. They may worry that whatever they do, it will upset one of their parents.

If you are seeking emotional support from your child, it can put them under pressure to make you feel better. It's not their job to give you support.

It can be extremely upsetting for children to see their parents arguing with each other. They may feel the need to try and solve the problem, which is too much responsibility for children.

What you can try instead

Try the below suggestions to help protect your child from feeling they have a role to play.

The spy

Stick to general questions about your child's other parent. If you find yourself asking more specific ones, like about their new partner, ask yourself why you really want to know, and how it might make your child feel.

The messenger

If it's not easy to talk to your partner, you could ask someone neutral to join a chat group between you both. They might help keep things calm and respectful.

The counsellor

If your child sees that you're upset, it's OK to tell them how you are feeling but let them know that you'll be OK, and that they don't need to worry.

The Mediator

Let your child know that the problems you and their other parent have are for adults to resolve. Reassure them that you both still love them, even though you're not together any more.

Behaviours

Do you recognise any of these behaviours? 

Provoking your child's other parent

If you add to the other parent's stress or anxiety, it can have a direct impact on your child. A parent feeling overwhelmed will struggle to meet their child's needs. 

Competing to be the favourite parent

Most children just want their parents' time and attention. Competing with your child's other parent can pull focus away from doing what is best for your child.

Badmouthing your child's other parent

When one parent badmouths the other, your child can feel forced to choose sides. As a result, they may avoid telling you about problems to do with their other parent.

Not letting your child talk about the other parent

It can be painful to hear your child talk about their other parent. But if children think what they're saying is upsetting you, they will start to censor themselves around you.